This was on my “Personal Web Page” (remember those?) back in the 90’s, after I’d spent a year talking in person and online with young adults connected with Northwest Yearly Meeting. The four bold statements were my summary of what I had heard (which I tested out and modified with people), and the individual quotes were things I heard that I showed to support the summary statement I had made and to flesh them out.
1. At the deepest level, we long for open, honest and transforming relationships: relationships with God, and relationships with each other. However, we recognize that too often when we think of church, we are looking for the next exciting worship “fix” or “what’s in it for me today.”
“I like singing and praise time to be simple and informal with people I trust.”
“I love the focus of Love and Relationship with Christ rather than dogmatism.”
“I get my closest connection with God by myself, but that stems from my small group through accountability.”
“I love the fact that people greet me by name. People know me and gladly accept me as part of their families. Somebody took the time to get to know me and to include me in their family.”
“A family feel, like what has happened at [named a specific church], might not ever be possible for [a large] church.”
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that my dream church is one where I experience meaningful community with other believers who are truly seeking to follow the Lord and love Him with all their hearts, souls, minds, strength, etc. Where our rituals are meaningful, where we strive through corporate worship to give praise to God and to learn from Him.”
“For me, the ideal church would be one that really knows one another…well.”
“Too often I feel like when I’m in worship, I’m there as a cardboard cut-out. I’ve left my real life, with all it’s relationships and hassles and joys, out on the sidewalk, and I’m here to experience an hour of focused worship. Often that worship experience is meaningful, but it seems like I experience it in isolation…with a bunch of other cardboard cutouts around me.”
“I’m doing all I can to respond with my very life, to become someone who creates spaces in which others and I can encounter and relate with the reality of each other and the reality of God.”
“I guess I’ve always wanted to live in a community where we can all be real with each other but I feel like to go to church we all have to put on a pretty smile and say, ‘I’m a perfect Christian with no troubles.'”
“We expect to come to church, and be ministered to. We often have the attitude of ‘what’s in it for me’, or just sitting back and taking it all in. We are only going to get out of church what we put into it…We need to change our attitude from what can I get to what can I give. (I include myself in this indictment.)”
“[What do you really like about your church?]I like the commitment to facilitating change in people’s lives. The outreach is something lacking in many of today’s churches as well as the taking in, mentoring, and discipling of new Christians. When you have people whose lives are being changed by Christ’s spirit, do we need to facilitate worship?”
“I also share the desire for a more relaxed but more involved time of worship as the key to my ideal church. I say involved in the sense that the people have dynamic relationships with each other and a common commitment to a deeper level of relationship with Christ.”
“[What do you like about church?] People that just accept you for who you are and aren’t uptight about everything, and leadership that doesn’t think they’re better than you just because they’re older.”
“I think relating to others as fellow human beings and not pretending that we know all of the answers is the key.”
“[What do you like about church?] You can miss worship and still go to lunch afterward with the people. The relationships are central!”
2. The responsibility for building and keeping these relationships with God and others ultimately rests with each individual person, because no one can build relationships for another. This does not mean our faith is individualistic; we need each other in our walk with Jesus. It takes time, and more importantly intentionality, to develop the meaningful relationships with God and others which we long for.
“I am only vulnerable to the extent that I will discuss beliefs and ideas after I have thought-prayed-studied them and only with people that I trust (small groups). Small groups are immensely important!”
“As far as worship on Sunday morning, I think it comes in 3rd for my closest connection with God, but there are days when it comes in 1st. On those days, I’m more in tune, the music seems more worship building (it’s usually choruses), and [named a specific pastor] message speaks to me. I think those days are a result of where I’m at rather than what happens at church specifically. I think if I was in tune every Sunday, the service would be all of these things every time.”
“I spent the year ‘church-hopping’ in search for a ‘Spirit-filled church’. I found some places where I really liked the music, or I enjoyed the sermon, but I never stayed long enough to establish myself in the community. Eventually, I returned to [named a specific church] because that is where my community is. I grew up there and I feel most ‘at home’ there.”
“My experience is that all this begins with me. Do I have and seek to establish meaningful relationships with those in my church? Am I myself seeking a personal and vital relationship with Christ on my own or expecting that a one hour service will meet that need?”
“I’m struck by the frequency that people have said they don’t feel like people really know them. It’s like our churches our filled with real people who don’t know how to act real.”
“[A friend said] she is often put off by people who approach her in church and ask her personal questions such as the generic ‘How are you and the Lord doing?’. She feels that some Christians expect that they have instant intimacy with other Christians simply because they share the same beliefs. Just because we are Christ’s body doesn’t mean that people have the right to ask personal questions before a relationship has been established.”
“I realize that my spirituality is between myself and God, however if I were able to share my ‘dryness’ and see others’ ‘dryness’; and have somebody to kick my tail every so often and say, ‘How’s the air up there in your Ivory tower, I’ll bet you’re choking to death because it’s so thin, why don’t you come down and join the rest of us and get your act together.'”
“I think the church should be a family–Christians who can live together in a vulnerable relationship. Not that it would be easy, we are all pretty ugly at times…but what would the world think if we really lived in Christ-like love filled relationships with one another?”
“Church in the large setting does have its place. It functions as a place of corporate worship, teaching and preaching, communion (in its varying senses), and fellowship. It should be a place where people feel free to express themselves and share their hurts and joys.”
“[Jesus] should be our model. The ministry to the masses is the corporate worship service on a Sunday morning, and because we have been communing with God on a personal level and hopefully on the small group and discipleship level, our eyes will be to ministry and meeting people where they are at on Sundays. The problem is, in our fast paced, busy society of cellular phones, pagers, e-mail, and dinner on the go, Sunday becomes the only time many believers spend with God.”
“I can’t just spend my life hoping for community but not personally contributing to it.”
“So how does a church respond to Generation X when we never stay in one place very long? Hard to develop community and share with people when I’ve moved to a new place every year for 4 years.”
“I would add that there is a hunger within us to be in relationships that give OTHERS authority in our lives as well…that we aren’t solely responsible for ourselves, but that we have a responsibility to respond and respect the feedback, prodding, and accountability of others. Rather than living in a sphere where we are the only ones responsible for our actions/decisions, we want to be more ‘entangled’ in each others lives.”
“I believe that the level of intimacy and intent is a better ‘gauge’ of community than length of time spent together….For example, I’ve had amazingly powerful experiences of community and spiritual bondedness with people I didn’t even know after one week at Twin Rocks summer camp that might not have happened over 10 years of worship attendance.”
“I am willing to commit to a church that I feel needs me. I think sometimes churches are so sure that college students are busy that they rarely ask more than a select few for help. I’m talking about personal requests, not ‘if anyone is interested’ announcements. If I feel that some of the people at a church care that I’m there and want to get to know me, I am excited about being there. I am not talking about the cheesy Sunday morning smile and ‘How are you doing?’ stuff, but about asking me to do things with them and really pursuing a relationship. Make me feel a part of the church and I’m committed.”
“I can be vulnerable with certain people, but I don’t want to be with the church as a whole. It needs to come after long relationship–it’s a privilege. It’s not always appropriate to be vulnerable in worship.”
“We all want this relationship stuff that we’re all saying, but we won’t do what it takes to do it.”
“Confession after a sin is more accepted in our churches than sharing a current temptation you’re wrestling with and asking for help. That’s wrong.”
“I want to serve where I fit. I don’t want to be asked for something that is out of my giftedness. I want to know the person who asking me. Don’t ask out of a lack of relationship.”
3. This longing for relationship and community with God and others is a longing which every person, Christian or non-Christian, has. One of the reasons we need to “get our churches right” is so that the church can be seen by non-Christians as a place where their deepest longing can be met.
“The thesis is that human beings are always searching for a sense of community, and some way to explore the spiritual components of their lives.”
“Perhaps we’d be a more attractive community if people could sense that we were genuinely committed to (and excited about!) a Christ centered community.”
“The people I talk to usually respond with a comment about how bad religion is, because of a poor church experience they have had. I try to show them the distinction between relationship and religion.”
“[Someone I know skips church and] gets coffee. I wonder if he builds more relationships there than sitting in the balcony carving on the back of the pew.”
“What seems sad to me is that God, who isn’t really part of our human failings in the church, gets shut out of these pseudo-church communities.”
“This world is God’s and everything in it, and sometimes we act as if the only place ‘clean’ enough for us Christians is in our Sunday morning church service.”
“Church should be a place that we can bring non-believers to expose them both to Christians and to the Gospel.”
“It seems as if the church focuses on keeping the Christian pure and from evil. Which is great of course, but they’re too wrapped up in that to worry much about those who don’t know Christ.”
“Our fixation with correct doctrine, buildings, the newest programs & even worship styles gets in the way sometimes. Maybe a better question to be asking ourselves is not ‘what should we do’ but really….who is Christ calling us to be in the world?”
“The perfect church would also reach out to the world around it.”
“[What about the church makes you cringe?] For example, our Lay Witness Mission program. I felt there just wasn’t enough relationship building involved. Sharing a tract doesn’t do it.”
“Actions, not words are what’s needed, because people have heard it all.”
4. We recognize that while each person has certain preferences as to the form of worship, no faith community or church can develop a form that will please everyone. What is important is the body of Christ gathered at Jesus’ feet. It’s people–of different ages, of different races, both men and women–in relationship together, serving each other and the world out of response to God’s leading. That is what we think the church must be.
“The big problem is that every individual has individual likes/dislikes/desires. What would be a ‘perfect’ service for me would probably not satisfy the person sitting next to me. It really is true that you can’t please everyone, and I pity pastors who receive the brunt of the complaints.”
“I really feel that open worship can be very meaningful if it is led into in a thoughtful way. I want to be a part of worship, and corporate worship can be a powerful experience, but I also feel that good teaching is an important part of a worship experience.”
“What people find ‘boring’ in church is the routine, the predictability of a service. Unfortunately, anything new and exciting will over time become dull and boring…There are only so many ‘new’ things that can be done. Eventually everything is old and then what do you do?”
“We will always be disappointed when we look to a form for excitement.”
“The focus should not be on what we do, but rather how we do it.”
“Jesus called us to serve others, and I believe that one of the most important ways to serve is to help develop and disciple others who are growing in faith.”
“Faith and ministry for me is creating the space (church) in which others and I can encounter and relate (be in communion) with the reality (all possible fullness) of each other and the reality (all possible fullness) of God.”
“I want to be a part of a community that isn’t so much interested in the form of music or prayer or sermons or in the buildings or programs, but rather people who are so absolutely sold out for Christ that the fire to serve Him almost consumes them.”
“I just felt like something was so wrong. We sang all the right words, but we didn’t think about them.”
“It’s almost as if church is the one thing, the one formality that remains constant. I understand the need for constancy. The problem is that God isn’t the one seen as a constant–it’s the ritual.”
“I’m thirsty for pure, genuine Jesus.”
“We have realized that there is no perfect church. Some have definitely been better than others, but all have flaws of some kind due to the fact that they are filled with humans.”
“1. I want to be in a church where I can participate in the worship.
2. I want to be in a church with active participation/leadership by the women.
3. I crave a few moments to center down and be quiet.
4. I want a church where people want to know me and I want to know them.
5. A church that is looking outward to their community and world.
6. Very intergenerational–I get tired of only being with Young Adults.”
“What really matters, I believe, is not so much what we are ‘doing’ but who we are ‘being’.”
“Will you give up on the rest of us ‘oldies’ because you are convinced that we are just standing in the way? Or will you work with us/them? My sense is both groups need one another. For to me, the church is not about just gathering a like-minded group of same age, same socioeconomic, same worship style interest folks into their own tight knit group. That is the easy way.”
“Maybe the church is best seen when a diverse group of people can come together around the risen Christ in a common hunger to know & serve him. In that mix, we find that Christ is indeed our Lord & peace. In that mix, we experience there is neither male nor female…young or old…worship band vs. hymn lover.”
“It is a great thing to find support & encouragement at Young Adult gatherings & over e-mail…….but what we need as well is transformation in our circles of influence.”
“It’s easy for me to segregate myself to a certain ‘type’ of people. I enjoy being with them, we ‘click’. I assume that I will not have anything in common with certain people because of our differing backgrounds, so I make little effort to reach out to them. That’s how cliques form, creating divisions and disunity (is that a word?). I’ve been convicted that I need to seek unity.”
“The part that bothers me is that as soon as we call it ‘church’ it all goes weird.”
“I like the music and the worship and fellowship with genuine people who realize that we’re all in this together.”
“The perfect church would have people of all walks of life, all means of income, and all types of ages focusing on God and God alone. No worry about money or giving, no worry about politics. No worry about the evils of this world. Just worship to the Lord.”
“I guess the PERFECT church would be one where Jesus himself leads the service.”
“Service is key. The Mennonites have always drawn me. They live their heritage. We have a past heritage, but we don’t live it as well. Our doctrine as we express it focuses too much on the negative, not the positive. We don’t do communion, we don’t do this, we don’t do that. We need to do things today that are positive and relevant to the world.”
“I appreciate the many generations we have in our church.”
“[What do you like about church?] We have a good spread of the generations; we are accepting of others’ preferences.”
“I long for passion, for reality and truth in our worship. I’m not talking about excitement, jumping up and down stuff. A particular form isn’t necessary, but my heart is longing for true worship.”
“I don’t care what we sing, but if people are into it, I love it.”
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